It’s been about 4 months since I quit my marketing job to focus on being pregnant, getting our house ready, and ultimately to be a stay at home mom. B.C. (before child), I worked 8 am – 6 pm. Life was busy and rushed and squeezed into short pockets of time between work and emails and social media check ins. I longed for days when I could catch my breath.
These days, the “only” thing on the agenda is keeping a 2 month old baby happy and alive. For the first few months after I quit, I found it so much harder to slow down to this new pace of life than I expected. I felt unaccomplished and idle and GUILTY. The guilt of not going off to work in the morning when Trevor did would gnaw at me day and night. What was I worth if I didn’t have a paycheck for proof? I would create a mental list of everything I was doing throughout the day so I could defend my joblessness in case anybody ever asked me to (they never did).
I worried constantly abut being a good enough Wife/Mama/Feminist/Friend/Daughter/. I worried until there was no more room inside me to worry. Through practice and patience and counseling and talking through these changes, I’m finally at a place where I’m really appreciative of this life shift. I’m tethered to a 14 pound feeding machine, and I have a LOT of time on my hands to think. I check in with myself on a daily basis. I give myself compliments on the hard work I’m doing being an awesome mama. I go days (DAYS!) without checking my email. I use social media only if I want to. When my worry or anxiety takes over, I meditate. I ask myself the simple but powerful question “What do I want?” and try to answer and honestly and act accordingly.
What I measure my success on these days are big little things like, am I being kind to myself? Am I judging myself less often? Am I getting what I want/need? Through this process, the guilt has lifted. I’m living in the moment more than ever before, and worrying a lot less about figuring out how long my Stay At Home Mom career will last or what I’ll do after. For now, I’m living slowly. And it’s just where I need to be.